The Seattle Semi-Times

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CRAZED HAMBURGER KILLS

SEATTLE BOY

Big Bruno's, a rival of Mickey Mack's, gets a ton of bad publicity.

BY: RONA TOTALIGOSSIPE

On Feb 28, 2001, 11 year old Jack Moore was killed. His murderer: a

crazed Jumbo Burger from Big Bruno's Slurp 'N Burp Burgers. Bruno's, a rival

of Mickey Mack's Burgers, has been told over and over in the six years

running that they have very greasy burgers.

At 12:23 PM, Jack went in to order a Jumbo Burger. Since Mickey Mack's

was closed for the day, that was the only burger place open. He sat down at a

table, ordered, and waited. A few minutes later, Martha Monrowe, a waitress,

delivered his meal. He started to eat the burger, but it jumped at him!

(Witnesses say.) He collapsed in his seat.

Minutes later, an ambulance arrived. Martha had called one as soon as

Jack collapsed. A volunteer nurse, Steven Moore, felt Jack's pulse. "Sorry,"

he said, and left.

Days before Jack's death, he was accused of cash robbery. He worked at

Mickey Mack's, and had the only key to the cash register. Mickey Mack's was

the most popular fast food joint in the neighborhood. The register had

hundred's, employees say.

Still, no one knows if he was guilty or not, except our young, deceased

friend.

QUOTES FROM THE REPORT:

"The hamburger seemed alive and bubbling with ketchup." -Arnie McGreggy,

witness

"Gee, my over greased burgers have never killed anyone before. . ." -Bruno

Fattycakes, store owner & manager

"I quit." -Marnie Anderson, waitress

"He probably just ate too much tartar sauce!" -Elvira Comn, really weird lady

"Honestly, I didn't do anything. Are you gonna arrest me?" -Martha Monrowe,

waitress & witness

Also inside:

+Everything must go!

McCaullou's is closing

+Dogs are lost a lot

A serial dog napper is caught

+Oh my gosh! It's Flubber!

Robin Williams visits Seattle

+Anime is coming!

A local video rental store gets 8 new animes

+Got IMAX?

Residents go IMAX crazy/All about IMAX

+They have green thumb

Local kids weed & plant gardens